It’s been quite an emotional weekend for our little Bevington family. Last night we were involved in a traffic collision. I have never been involved in something as gnarly as what we saw last night. Everyone walked away from the incident safe, thanks to the miracle of airbags, auto safety features, and just simply put, the “miracle” that happened when we all aligned. I don’t want to talk too much about the details, but in a nutshell, our car (which seems to be a tank – thanks to the German auto engineers) performed better than I ever thought possible, in an event of this kind. As much as I didn’t want to admit it (we all want to belive that we’re always in control) I was a little out of it…I saw this van literally flying thru the air at us, and when it hit the passenger door, where Casey was sitting, it was like everything went into slow motion. The scarriest part of the whole thing, was that our son was riding in the back seat, and said “Mommy, the car just hit Daddy…” That rocked me. He saw it all go down, and he was a trooper! I’m so in love with my family…they are my life, my world. In a blink of an eye, incidents happen, which can change our lives forever…we were very lucky. Everyone involved was very lucky. It’s weird when you have an experience like this, and you see what “could have happened” – It makes me thankful that I could come home, turn on the light, and see my puppy wagging his tail. Today has been filled with realizations like, “If you’re gone, you don’t get to see the pup wagging his tail when you come home”, but life will go on without you…it’s been a heavy kind of day.
Giving birth to my son changed my life (everyone says this, and it’s true)…but with each flashback from last night, I thank our lucky stars, or God, or whomever or whatever I believe watches over us, and realize that any of our lives could really be changed, in the blink of an eye. It’s the most frightening thing in the world, and today, I just keep thinking that we are so lucky. We are all lucky to be alive – every one of us in this world. Life is something that we cannot take for granted. We all quarrel with partners, parents, children and friends. It’s not important. It never is. Once the lights go out…they are out. This past year has been a little stressful for me, balancing work and life and trying to get enough sleep to do both. I’ve gained a little weight, not taken care of myself as I told myself I would. I was really hard on myself about it. Today, I realized that I can’t be so hard on myself, I’m not perfect. Perfection takes too much energy. I don’t have the stamina. You win, perfect people of the world. I applaud you, but have to just let go of my closet “type A” behavior. Why be perfect? I’m just going to walk more, let more things roll off my back, and just breathe when I feel like I can’t.
I just keep thinking about if we were just a second sooner than we were crossing the intersection, we could have avoided it all, or a second later, we could have been the car flying up side down thru the air…We are all fine, better than fine, we’re alive and ok. Every driver involved is alive and ok. Today I feel lucky, nervous, tired. Mostly I feel thankful that each person involved last night could walk to their family and friends who arrived to hold their hands. The feelings I’m experiencing are overwhelming. I know that this isn’t typical MOD BLOG behavior, but it’s real, and I think that sharing it helps to process the intensity of the emotions I’m feeling. I LOVE MY SON. I want to hold him forever and never let go. I LOVE MY HUSBAND. I also want to hold him forever, but he’ll eventually want to watch sports or go surfing…(my sense of humor is in tact, thanks : ) I LOVE MY PARENTS FOR LOVING ME, RAISING ME, SACRIFICING SO MUCH FOR ME…I could go on and on about them. I LOVE MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS (& those who I have known, loved, and lost, but who have taught me so much none the less).
As Casey and I headed out this afternoon to photograph Stacy and Todd, I felt so free and ABLE with respect to my career. You know, when I first started shooting professionally, I would have to pull the car over on my way to a job, and throw up. I would be so nervous to do what I am trained to do, that I would literally make myself physically sick. That seems so silly looking back. I am good at what I do. If I don’t nail it on the first take, I get another one. I’m thankful for the time we have to take the photographs we take. To make the memories that we make. I’m thankful for the days when I go out on a job, and feel really connected to the people that I photograph. Today was one of those days. And when I come home, I’m thankful to hold my baby, and just be at peace with our lives the way they are. We are all alive and that is enough. No time to want for that which we don’t have….we all have a lot.
Our “ability” to do anything in this world is enough…what ever you do with your “ability”, do it as well as you can. When I am hired to make photographs, I am honored and thankful to be able to share this celebration called “LIFE” with my clients. I’ve always kind of “seen where life takes me” in a lot of ways, especially with my career. I never had a “career goal” – other than to make pictures of people. I always felt a little stupid that I didn’t have it all planned out…but today I know one thing – that saying that goes something like “life is what happens when you’re busy making plans” takes on a whole new meaning….I’m rambling now, but I’m thankful to be able to ramble, and I’m thankful that you’re reading it.
The point is, that today I’m really “feeling” ABLE to photograph LIFE, with OURS in tact. For me, the incident made everything that is unimportant slip away, making room for a lot of pure love and inspiration. Things are just burning really bright today for me. There is nothing certain in life, but this second that we have….oops, it’s gone. Wait….there’s another one. Gone. Make every second of your life count. Make love, make babies, make money, make peace, make art, create, evolve, sing and dance – DEFINITELY sing and dance. Kiss your Mama and Daddy. If they are gone, kiss the air, and know that it landed on their lips. Kiss your neighbor. Kiss your dog. Kiss who ever will kiss you back. Marry them. Love them..forever. Who cares. Man, when it’s over, it’s over. Don’t look back and LIVE LOUD! Enjoy it! What does it matter any way? Do it your way. There’s room enough in this crazy world for all of us…Until your number’s up that is. : ) LOVE YOU ALL! Peace, A